A person that reached adulthood while being toxic throughout their life is probably competent at it at this point. While you were focused in acquiring your skills, they were probably getting better at being toxic. So you are probably not prepared for a direct confrontation with a veteran sabotaging jerk. Do not play a game you have never practiced as the away team because you are probably not going to win.
The more you have advanced your career, the more you have to lose while engaging someone. And in this case you have not much to win, against a person that has less than you to lose. Just using up your time and distracting you from your job is a win for a saboteur.
Anything you say can be held against you, so unless you've talked to a workplace attorney better stay out of it. If the situation is affecting you psychologically then engaging the person can affect you even more. Seek therapy if that helps, or channel your frustration through physical activity.
The best you can do is to limit your interactions to the professional level, and limit the topics to what he is working on. Everything else is your business and not his and you can seek additional collaboration at your discretion.
There's a saying, "If everywhere you go smells like shit, maybe it’s time to check your shoes"
But at the same time, I do not believe in the power of "let's have a coffee" in a situation like this. There are core beliefs that a cup of coffee will not change.
If someone believes in playing dirty, believes in that basic respect is earned not given, and other rotten beliefs... that person was a bad hire, and needs to have an expedited firing.
Better to just have the cup of coffee and see.
You'd be surprised how easy it is to disarm people with kindness, you should try it.
Just like if someone showed up drunk at work, showing up with an unacceptable behavior should be seen in a similar lens.
Noone is saying it's acceptable, just offering advice on how to mitigate the situation.
Should is the keyword of your last sentence. In a perfect world sure, but the world is not that.
You never know, you may even become friends. Doesn't hurt to attempt once at least.
You are not there to win a popularity contest but to articulate what is needed clearly, keep people focused, unblocked and to get things done.
If you worry too much about being liked by everyone your mental health will suffer. You just have to accept some people won't like you.
Also comes across as insecure and less fit for leadership roles.