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there is TCL-TK. :)

Super easy to use, fast, almost zero ram usage and battle tested for 2 decades.

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"Equally jarring and out-of-place on all platforms" isn't quite what I asked for, but I guess it's the next best thing! ;)
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That hasn't been true for a while, it's easily the best of the bunch at this point. It's also always been trivial to change, which can't be said of the others.
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I'd say it's easily the least bad of the bunch, anyway, if you're really committed to cross-platform.
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Make the core feature of your app a library, then write different interfaces according to the targeted platforms.
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