We do have a different out-of-band/disconnected/not-wifi way of doing firmware things, and perhaps we should use it more than we do: Bluetooth. It's about as universal as it gets.
I mean: Imagine a Venn diagram, with two groups. One group represents people who update the firmware in their kettles. The other group represents people who have Bluetooth-capable pocket supercomputers.
The two groups overlap so neatly that the diagram is indistinguishable from a circle. :)