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In general, upper-classish dining probably used to be more formal in the US in terms of cutlery type and placement and other things. May still be in some circles but no one I know worries about such things and even very decent restaurants don’t. And when was the last time you saw a fish fork?
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Agreed. Was always taught to never put elbows on the table, but as an adult I see people do it everywhere.
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Seeing people fail to meet a standard does not mean that the standard does not exist.
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I think the deeper question is whose standards and why should we consider them the standard?
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Some of them of course are invented whole cloth. British Received Pronunciation was invented and needs to be learned and is the standard of the upper class. It's neither right nor wrong but it's there to differentiate.
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You say “needs to be learned” but that’s no more so than any other accent.

We just grow up with it because it’s how our parents and the parents of our friends speak.

If you want to change your accent you can, of course, get elocution lessons but most Brits do not. We just have a large variety of accents of which RP is one.

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"Received Pronunciation was invented"

How so?

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That's the thing with standards: there are so many of them to choose from.

You don't have to follow them, but you do you should be ready to accept the consequences of your choice.

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When it comes to manners, I'd say seeing enough people fail to meet a standard means it's not a standard, at least.
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No, that's argumentum ad populum.

Mind you, I'm not saying that standards must be followed. I am just saying the same thing I tell my kids:

- the standards are there, wishing they didn't exist doesn't invalidate them

- the reason rules and standards came to existence might or might not be applicable to our current context, but some people will expect you to follow them regardless.

- If a rule or standard seems silly to you, make your best attempt at understanding why people would still follow it. (Chesterton's fence)

- You are free to not comply to some rules, but always be ready to accept the consequences of your decisions.

- What your friends are doing or not doing is not reason enough for you to change your behavior or choices.

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> the standards are there, wishing they didn't exist doesn't invalidate them

But not observing them does. There are standards no one in the world follows anymore. They may still “be there”, but are only used for mocking purposes.

> If a rule or standard seems silly to you, make your best attempt at understanding why people would still follow it. (Chesterton's fence)

The corollary to that is that anyone who rebukes anyone else for not following a standard must be able to explain why it exists. “Because it’s rude” it’s not good enough, explain why it’s considered rude.

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But the populus sets the standards. If people decide not to follow a particular one anymore, it stops being the standard.
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You and I are using different meanings for standard.
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then it’s a custom or etiquette, not a standard
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> the standards are there, wishing they didn't exist doesn't invalidate them

If people act like a standard doesn't exist, then the standard actually doesn't exist, because that's the only thing that defines a standard.

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Most people in the US use imperial unit, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Standards are not absolutes.

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Yeah, as if we still have loose table tops, like in medieval times.
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