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I'm not sure you appreciate why PHP was successful. You might be completely right about all this, but the LAMP-stack "just upload this file to shared hosting" workflow is what made apps like WordPress win out, and the barrier remains significantly higher to do the equivalent with Rust.
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Historically successful.

Draging a bunch of PHP files onto an FTP client is harder than modern dev practices.

If you've got a modern frontend of any kind, you're already beyond this.

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These april fools jokes keep getting lazier every year.
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