>no snap nonsense where you can't turn off upgrades

You can disable AND uninstall snap entirely. You can also disable automatic update of the specific snaps you have installed.

>stays close to upstream LTS kernels

Same as Ubuntu, which uses 7.3 on its latest release as of today.

>does not carry around some ridiculous kernel patch set

Custom kernel patches for hardware compatibility is a very good thing, and why Ubuntu works on a lot of machines compared to other distros.

>no irritating adware on login

There is not a single ad on login, and even after. You are an ugly liar.