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Edit:
To give an actual example, Marion's description in the original, from the scene in the video:
She is turning fifty this year and slowly greying, well on her way out of "petite" towards "little old lady".
In the updated edition:
She turns fifty this year. She is diminutive and flint-eyed, very dark-haired but rapidly greying. Today, her hair is strictly pulled back and up into a silver clasp. She wore her good suit for this, one button, very dark grey, with a solid blue blouse underneath. Ankle boots with stout heels, two silver stud earrings in each lobe. Contact lenses, not the usual glasses. On a lanyard around her neck she wears a security pass with a bright orange and red diagonal stripe.
Two uses of 'very dark' right after each other? And I actually liked how snappy the original was but that might be just me.
Another line in this first chapter that I love from the original:
"What…" O5-8 asks carefully, "would happen if we did know?"
becomes in the new edition:
"What…" Mahlo asks carefully, "would happen if we did know what happened to him?"
Why pad that out? It sounds less natural now.
[0] AKA "filing the serial numbers off" when it's explicitly fanfiction instead of a shared universe model like SCP
Perhaps that comes from reading too many online stories - including the whole of qntm's site [1], including the rough drafts. The quality of the editing, prose, or dialog isn't that important to me if the quality of the worldbuilding and the concepts are high enough.
It's true that the whole novel, despite a few good moments, seems mostly interested in plot and entertainment. Having read quite a bit of qntm's stuff online, I'd say he excels in the short story format where he can quickly present a clever or surprising idea and there isn't the need to sustain a plot or work on character development etc.
Anyway, comparing a random author to one of the best and most influential sci-fi authors ever is a bit pointless, don't you think?
Tell me you can't see the fnords without telling me...
Would not consider myself well-read, if I read enough PKD stories I could probably find some mediocre ones; really liked the popular ones I did read.
I think the story where she detains her own husband would work much better in a stand-alone adaptation.